Yes, I am Chinese, but I’ve never really been back there until last summer. One of the things that shocked me, that I never knew about, is their courtesy custom. Now every culture has their thing: in America we say ‘excuse me’ when brushing past someone, ‘thank you’ when something nice has been done, and observe people’s personal space. And none of these are too excessive (except perhaps holding the door for someone who’s still several steps behind, I mean, that’s a bit overboard right?). In general I don’t like these kinds of cultural artifacts because they hide authenticity, promote fake politeness, and resemble rules. But none of them goes as far as in China.
Image credit: wikimedia commons
It’s something akin to forced gratefulness and goodness to other people. If someone does you a favor you’re supposed to return it in some way, like giving a gift or taking them out to eat. But when you offer someone a gift, he/she’s supposed to reject it several times, and then receive it. Similarly with being invited to eat. But everyone will fight to pay the bill. I remember when my dad’s two siblings’ families went to eat with us things got tense near the end of the meal, and finally someone excused herself “to the bathroom” and took the chance to pay the bill. This is not good because then the two other families are now in debt to the one who paid the bill and must return the favor some time.
True, it all looks good on the surface. Rejecting that last cheesecake slice looks humble and considerate, but inside the motives may be different. The person offering it might actually want it, and is expecting you to reject it. Polite, but not nice. When visiting someone’s house they are expected to treat you well, but you’re supposed to look grateful and uneasy of accepting their goodwill. You’re also supposed to do the same when they visit you. When someone does you a favor they actually expect you to return it somehow, even if they’re rejecting your offer to take them out to an expensive restaurant. Keep offering, and they might accept. But sometimes it’s real. I, for example, don’t like getting expensive gifts or eating someone else’s portions. But others might interpret it as politeness and battle me in the game of courtesy.
Unlike Japan, there are no rules I'm aware of regarding eye contact in China.
So what happens just don’t do any of this? When if you take a gift on the first offer? What if you don’t return the debt of favor? They’ll probably view you as ungrateful or even wretched. Knowing these the ins-and-outs of these social norms is also needed for building business relations and even casual acquaintances. As a result one strategy is to not meet too many new people so as to not worry about too many social relationships. But that stinks. Of course, it’s not uniform throughout China. It’s less intense in southern China, becoming milder in urban areas like Hong Kong, and real friendships may be exempt from these expectations. I’m sure in some settings it’s non-existent.
As a westerner some Chinese people may be aware that this cultural knowledge is not present in you. Some may not. Be honest: if you want to, say yes, if you don’t, say no. Don’t refuse everything because that won’t be interpreted well either. But don’t accept too much, and especially if a mere acquaintance starts offering you money. Their wheedling and cajoling may be convincing and insistent, but you’re white (or black, latino, etc.) and probably taller. You’re imposing enough to say “no” and mean it. As I said, this cultural artifact is getting weaker in the cities and perhaps overall. Chinese people who have lived in China and come to the states (or Europe, etc.) like the way of genuineness better. It might take a while to change though. When my parents first came to the states they were invited to a caucasian person’s house. We actually accepted. Lunch came around and he asked us if we wanted something to eat. We refused, and not surprisingly we didn’t get anything to eat. Then we starved it out the rest of the day.
Just like with drugs, say no to bad cultural customs; we can still be friends without it! Image credit: Wikimedia Commons
But I know only the basic level of this cultural tradition. There may be more. And I may be exaggerating it (because I REALLY didn’t like it while I was there). In other respects I like China: its people, its potential, its non-wasteful way of life (unlike affluent America). Perhaps it’s just that China’s culture being multi-millenia old, some cultural artifacts had time to refine and develop, and some had time to become really twisted.
But it’s always good to be able to make fun of your own cultural traditions, as in this video about eating sushi.
Credit for the 2nd image: http://aladylikeme08.blogspot.com/ but this person probably got it from somewhere on google.jp.
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