Most us get into an argument some time throughout the year… or month.. or week… but anyway, two posts back I wrote about dialogue. But arguments differ, and I define it as usually involving anger and arising from conflicts of personal matter. It you do find yourself in one, here’s what to keep in mind. (the [not-] greek letters are back!!!)
(Some of you may already be innately repelled by arguments, so some of this stuff may not apply)
Forget dinner, there's a fight to be had! (movie: incredibles, source: ign)
æ¬ Emotion can be irrational.
We can say or do things we regret while controlled by the anger or hurt. That alone makes it worthwhile to stop in mid-track. But another thing to keep in mind is the other side is probably also under the emotion. What they say and do may not reflect their actual character, but how they are like when they are angry. When you’re aware the other side is mad with anger it’s actually easier for you to be composed and take in the crazy things they’re saying.
ø¬ You don’t have to win. In fact, winning is usually a bad thing.
If winning is when the other side gets shut up or runs away with disgust it only leads to the loser’s build up of negative emotion towards the winner. This makes future encounters less pleasant and the problem deeper. If you think to yourself “I don’t have to convince him/her, I don’t have to have the last word, and I don’t have to triumph with my point” it reduces a lot of stress on your part.
ƒ¬ Relationships are on the line.
Would you damage the relationship just to win an argument? But perhaps you feel injusticed from losing all the time, maybe you feel the other side needs a good lashing. But before you do it just remember any negative and harmful interaction (arguments) will take the relationship further down. It this is of value to you, you’ll regret lashing out afterwards.
å¬ Comprehension is low.
And the counterpoint, misunderstanding/misinterpretation is high. In the heat of it all the people involved are mentally close-doored, single-minded, angry, and perhaps hard of hearing too. But comprehension is key, as for dialogue. If both sides actually mutually comprehended each others feelings and viewpoints how much better would things go? Being aware of this fact should act as a natural silencer. Actually, comprehension is not valued in many arguments because they are just insult exchanges or verbal catharsis (emotional release is good, but not in the context of an argument).
œ¬ Getting your point(s) across is not the goal.
In fact, arguments drag on because each side has a list of points to put across, and comprehending the others points is not priority. Think, he/she doesn’t HAVE to get what I’m saying. I can gently explain it some other time when the heat is lower. There’s a greater chance of getting that point across then.
ï¬ Resolving the conflict behind the argument, not the argument, should be the focus.
The husband may argue with the wife about how terribly not-worth-it that purchase was, but the underlying conflict is the husband’s discontent with her perpetual unneeded spending and the wife’s grudge against him ignoring the family and her. Arguments may surface in the attempt to treat these underlying conflicts, but they don’t do it justice, especially when people are unable to speak of their exact issue, but rather in general out of bad emotion springing from the issue.
But resolving the conflict may not come from one sitting, and most likely not from arguments. But don’t get me wrong, I still think talking things out is good. Just make sure you do it in a good way. Other than that, forgiving the other side and building some lost relationship will help too. Or laying aside the conflict for friendship (note: plain disagreement is not conflict). Or sometimes time and forgiveness is the best go.
In many fiction worlds a pair will have one or more intense arguments before fatalistically falling in love later
But as the saying goes, easier said than done. On a helpful ending, here’s something I got a while back which explains how to handle arguments better than I can.
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